Life after Kannan

I have been wanting to write this blog for a while now and I just wanted to do this before the New Year . I want to use this as a means to express myself and let it out my system as I feel I need to do this to help myself.

In 2010 sadly my younger brother Kannan committed suicide. When we found out the news about Kannan we were all in shock and did not quite believe what had happened. Family and friends did not know how to console us at the time but tried. Kannan did not realise that what he had done would cause so much suffering to us. I think that people often forget that the ones left behind maybe suffering for the rest of their lives compared to him. I don’t think Kannan understood the indications of his actions too. I wish he was still here.

Culturally I found it very hard how people would just blankly say we have to move on in such a cold nature. I never truly got to express my feelings for what happened due to the nature of our society. I feel as a result I have had a delayed reaction. Family and friends at the time often suppressed the expression of how I felt and this has translated into other areas of my life which I feel has not been healthy for me. I think it is really important to not block anyone expressing themselves My mum said I didn’t cry at the funeral. I don’t remember. The funeral itself is a blur. This year I have had several outbursts of bursting into tears. I tried to occupy my time with work and studying. I feel in some ways I was blocking my emotions and was using it as a coping strategy to carry on with life.

I don’t think this pain will ever fade. Moving on is not so easy for me. I am trying but feel I am taking Kannan’s spirit everywhere with me especially with my passion for work. He was an inspiration for me and still is driving me today. The one thing that has helped me a lot this year is the support of close family and friends. Sometimes I find that even they too find it hard to understand me. I feel I am deeply connected to Kannan. He was one of a kind. Always smiling and so helpful with all his advice.

A smile can hide a thousand tears. One who smiles all the time are not necessarily happy. I have learnt this through my experience of going through what happened. I have learnt to hold the smile and just carry on. It is not healthy. People pretend to be happy and maybe Kannan was one of them too and he was good at it. I never truly understood and want to understand what Kannan went through but I never will as he was one of those who smiled and carried on like there were no issues . I had never seen him low or depressed. Now can one imagine when someone who you would least expect would do such a thing, does the most unexpected and ended their own life. It is still unbelievable to me. This has been hard to write. I have to stop and come back to it several times because it just makes me really upset thinking about all of this.

I can only talk through my own experience. I often feel like crumbling but try to not let it get to me. I am only now coming to terms with things slowly and trying to move on. I do not think I will ever let it go. I can only try. Advice can be easily given but to forget is not an easy happening.

Mental health is an important aspect of wellbeing and should be addressed head on and not put under the carpet. One should be allowed to mourn as much as they like. Sometimes often I have wanted to talk about Kannan but it often gets skipped as a sensitive topic to talk about. Is there not something we have all learned from what has happened. To not take life for granted and treat each day as if it were our last. To try and be understanding towards others.

I may seem a confusion to some . Every time there’s a bereavement with close relatives I often feel the pain again and it feels like it happened yesterday. The questions as to why, that will be something that maybe answered through my lifetime as he is my inspiration for all that I do now. A lot of good things are happening as a result of what happened to Kannan. I have changed so much and grown so much as an individual for the better.

We need to look after ourselves. We need to nurture our soul. It has taken a long time for me to write about all of this. The one thing that has helped me during this difficult time is exercise, education, work, cranial osteopathy. and mindfulness walks.

Sometimes it can be so hard to open up especially in front of parents and immediate family because we do not want to upset the other. It is almost like we all go into this protective mode to prevent the other from breaking down. I do not think this is the best way to handle it. There are also mixed emotions of anger and denial which can sometimes get heated and it is almost as if the topic were to come up someone quickly tries to be like we need carry on, lets not talk about this; this is done discretely. This is also translated in other relationships and can be difficult for some to comprehend that one still feels so sad over what happened. I don’t think most would ever understand unless one were to endure it. Feeling empathy is also not easy for everyone.

I am a very sensitive emotional individual and feel I easily connect with people and the world ; this maybe a reason why I feel things so deeply but it cannot be condemned as one has to remember that we all unique Individuals in our own right. We are humans with feelings and not mere rocks. Sometimes it feels as though we should be a rock in some peoples eyes but that is not so easy. The rock would eventually crumble. Sometimes we need to fall apart to feel complete again too.

It is through suffering and pain one accomplishes things in life. Life is a challenge and one to face alone I have learnt. That is the best way to face it. The only one who can master ones destiny is ourselves. I don’t expect anyone to understand and I am not looking for comfort, I just thought that sharing how I feel and what I have been through may help others going through something similar or help family and friends understand how complex life and situations can be.

We are all on our own path therefore what is right for one person is not necessarily right for the other. Everyone has in their own right to do as he or she pleases and do what they want. I think that one who tries to advise people should maybe try to understand that individual before making comments or put expectations upon another. These are all unnecessary social pressures. Aren’t we all here to grow as individuals, mind body and spirit to have a greater understanding of people in general and to have a greater understanding of ourselves? Isn’t it also important to break social norms and just be be ourselves and be care free and proud of who you are. Life is too short to wait for tomorrow.

I feel happy in some ways to have gone through what I have otherwise I would not have learnt what I have . It has taught me to try and understand people even those who are annoying as they too have their story. Sometimes when people judge without understanding it makes no sense to me. It is hard when family or friends don’t understand but we cant expect people to understand our journey as we are all unique in our own way and have our own path.

I thought this may help someone who is going through something similar so thought to share. Feel free to share my blog. I will be continually to write into the New year. I am not looking for any empathy. Sometimes in life things cannot be explained. When something like this happened its not the easiest thing to carry on and let go. One can do all they can to try but that is not so easy. I am just trying to release an aspect of emotion out of me which needs to get out of my system. I am fed up of the stigma around mental health in our society. Things are getting better but empathy and understanding is one that’s difficult unless one has been through something similar or some kind of hardship.

Everyone’s path is different and what is right for one person may not be right for another. It is easy to say to turn the page but try being me and going through what I have. To see things through my eyes and through me will be the only way to understand. That is why I said It is not for anyone to understand but for me to try to understand myself and grow as an individual.

The only way is up when you fall. It is important to fall, to let go and feel pain. Turning pain into a form of strength. Hoping 2018 is a year of turning negatives into positives. Wishing everyone a happy new year and whatever challenges ones face hope you all have the strength to deal with it and be happy and carefree. Happy 2018 everyone!