Finding my True Authentic Self

Life can sometimes feel like a marathon. There are times when it can feel tough navigating the route. Some parts are easier than others, for example the downward run down a slope. We have got to be careful though as when we think it is easy, suddenly things may change, and we may get unexpected obstacles. It is important that we try to take things we face in life in our stride. This can be a challenge at times. Sometimes it is hard to know what is right and wrong too. I guess it is just about following your gut instinct and taking life one step at a time. We all have had different life experiences and that is what makes us who we are.

It can be a challenge at times to understand one another. We are all brought up with different values, morals, and ethics. This can all have an influence on our personality and how we navigate our relationships too. Culture, tradition and how our parents were also has some influence in who we become. Life is a cycle. It important to however recognise when we need be a change for society.  Furthermore, it is also important to understand that we are constantly changing with our life experience and environment. However, there may be some that are stuck too and struggle with change. Personally, I find it exciting when there is change. Change I feel allows for growth all round.

I have sometimes felt that I want to hibernate too as socialising can just be too much. I feel that even the general chit chat can be stressful at times. It is ok however I find expressing myself with those who I connect and resonate with more meaningful. This makes me happier as I find it fascinating discussing things like life and spirituality. The one thing I have learnt about in 2023 is to learn to keep solid boundaries for my well-being to help protect me. It has not been easy anyhow. I have recognised patterns with myself and relationships with others. I have realised I am a lot stronger than I thought. I thought people were helping me, then did I realise I was the one helping or initiating. I fell in love with the idea that some really wanted me around. I later realised I was the enthusiastic one in my social circle especially within my friends. I have also learnt that we all have different priorities in life and that we all change as our responsibilities in life changes.  In addition, I have learnt it is only a few who truly care about me.

Sometimes in life things are too painful to comprehend too. We are who we are due to what we have been through. In life each one of us may bury a part of us that we don’t want to show or don’t want others to see as that hardship maybe part of our journey. In our daily life often, people glorify success. However, what is true success? To me true success is about being happy right now with who you are and the choices you have made. Successful is being content too and being grateful for everything in our lives.

Recently as some of you know Luxmy and took part in the Great North run. The hardest part was crossing the finish line. We completely fell apart in tears. It was the first time we ever had a moment like this together as sisters. Normally one of us is comforting the other. It was the first time we both felt we needed to console each other, and it was the first time we could vividly see each other’s pain, of the loss of our younger brother Kannan. The rain came pouring down 5 minutes after we completed it. We were crying together and later started laughing as we got completely soaked head to toe. We were walking from the finish line to the car for about an hour in the rain with our silver sheets over our head. We felt like old decrepit women for the first time together as we dragged our sore legs and feet for a few extra miles. It was a funny moment etched in our core memory, one I imagine we would often look back on and reminisce about. It was also great to make a stand in our Tamil community, to break the stigma about mental health and well-being. A moment of sadness and joy all in one happening simultaneously. This was one of the highlights of 2023.

The voice of a woman

Hush hush, hush, so they say!

Throughout my childhood I have observed women being suppressed in different ways, their strength, and their power in our Tamil society is often neglected or has been pushed aside. `A woman who stands up for herself is often looked down upon compared to men. There has often been a male dominance throughout. It is often indirect and submissive, but it happens and still does to a certain extent. It frustrates me. I have often questioned my role in this world too as a result. This is more so of a reflection of the world I grew up in from my childhood. I believe that women and men should have equal rights. There has always been a male dominance and patriarchy in our Tamil Community.

Things are slowly changing for the better anyhow. I have often found it hard when some have enforced right and wrong too. However, there is no defining line to separate the two. It is tough. There are different cultural so-called norms put on women too. It is slowly improving but there is long way to go. We are all on our own journey and what is right for me might not be right for someone else and then again, we justify our actions with our own belief systems. I am right in my world, and you are right in yours. I guess sometimes there is conflict but without conflict we cannot grow. We can’t just nod our heads saying yes to everything too and saying no is a powerful statement too.

Talking about examples, the first memory associated with becoming a woman or coming of age as we call it. We have a ceremony which I thought was so embarrassing which I had when I was 11 years old after I got my period for the first time. I was so grumpy all day and got so sad that everyone said I was pretty, but I liked the way I normally looked without make up and the façade of just pleasing the community. It wasn’t just with women too all my cousins and uncles etc were there. My friends and family were playing in the garden too and I felt left out standing beneath  an arch of flowers. I felt so miserable. I was told there would be no photographer as I was promised but no, he was there in my bedroom. What the hell was he doing in my bedroom without my will? To take pictures of me posing, no chance. The best pictures he got of me was me being grumpy. From the moment the days started I was like when is this going to end apart from the water part which I thought was fun. I guess though looking back I didn’t like the way womanhood was brought about in our culture and as a result I just wished I was a man because I felt men had more power. Women should still be considered clean when they have their periods too. They are not allowed to enter the temple. I also remember being locked in my room for a day or two in the beginning, feeling suppressed for being a woman. This has all questioned my womanhood.

Then later confronted with marriage everyone asks you, when are you going to have kids. It’s my body and I will decide when I am ready or maybe not. It a free life. Being a woman doesn’t automatically warrant conception. It is a choice about having children. I have thought about it and in the past maybe had envisioned more so when I was in my teens but now I think to myself I first have to be in the right mindset and be in a place of optimal healing before I consider bringing another being in my life as it’s a huge responsibility and at the moment I just want to be there for myself and my healing. It has been incredibly tough beyond belief though. There are things one cannot write about necessarily too. I may write about it when I feel more confident about it. Life for me is about growing and pushing myself beyond my limits. I have a felt a lot more confident in my body and have embraced being a woman too in 2023. I am super proud of myself for that. I also managed to take ownership of my health and fitness, but still a work in progress. There is more I want to achieve.

A rebirth and excavation of my authentic self

It has been an interesting and exciting couple of months towards the end of this year but a challenge at times. Sacrifice, discipline, and hard work have been a common theme.  It was great to stop after a busy couple of months and pause. Sometimes we forget to pause and appreciate, where we are, those who support us and what we have in life. On reflection there has been some self-transformation which is amazing and a lot of tests.

Layer by layer parts of myself have shed. I like to think that I am becoming the next version of myself, 3.0, a more resilient and stronger version of myself. I have learnt the importance of saying no for my well-being too. It has been a mixed emotional year. I am always learning a lot about myself.  There have been tears of sadness and tears of joy too. Tears of joy are often rare, but I feel I have reached a pinnacle moment for myself career wise as well as spiritually within myself. Life is a journey, which can feel like a battlefield at times, mentally and sometimes physically too but I guess it is about trying the best we can.

Hardship and challenges have made me appreciate the good times more. Sometimes I feel I do need to celebrate myself more. There is no reason needed to celebrate yourself. However, in this world it can be a challenge at times. We should however learn to try and celebrate life as much as we can because life is so short. I have learnt that I need to celebrate myself more and give thanks to all the versions of myself. We all have aspects and characteristics which can be improved. None of us are perfect in this world.

It is funny how in every challenge or difficulty there are some good lessons too or we learn to see things from another angle which is more positive. and something to be grateful for.  I feel that the universe is preparing us for what is coming next too, sometimes this can be hard to comprehend. Sadness makes us appreciate happiness more too. I guess it is important to try and be complacent too at times. I feel that every challenge is an opportunity for growth.

Memories pop up at family gatherings and weddings. Eyes sometimes automatically search for those missing. This has happened a few times this year. I had this feeling that life would be different too. On the drive to Wollongong I was emotional thinking about Kannan on route to the Buddhist temple.  Amma and I were reflecting on the life that would have been. I guess Kannan is still there but in a higher sense. Sometimes this is hard to comprehend fully too. Sometimes we need alone time and reflection to fully heal too. It is so important for healing.

Feeling our emotions is not a weakness, it is a strength. Being expressive and honest about how we feel about things allows us to be our true self rather than withholding or trying to please others. There is no need to please others. We must try to live life authentically for ourselves. Service to man is service to God is a quote I full heartedly follow. However, within that quote I now think what about looking after myself too. If I am better in myself then I can help others more too and do much more service. Don’t forget that you can’t serve from an empty cup, therefore keep filling your cup with endless well-being rituals to help you with your total well-being is essential. That is what I am going to try and do for 2024. It is also important to understand what fills my cup and helps my well being may not help yours. We are all different and should try to appreciate and understand that there are several ways to navigate life and there is not one golden standard. There are so many ways and that is unique to each of us. I find nature helps me the most to help ground me. Wishing you all the very best for 2024. Be true to yourself! I am going to stop holding myself back going forward. To a more confident version of myself. Let’s keep going.  Bring on 2024! Happy New Year!

 At the Buddha Temple at Wollongong.