The Truth behind the Smile

Eyes naturally search for Kannan, especially at family occasions. In society we have been taught to suppress these emotions, to not make a scene. I guess that is life, we put on a face, and we carry on, and try to move forwards. It is however important for healing to face those difficult emotions, so they do not manifest in other ways, as it is healthy for healing. I have learnt this over the years.

I cried in silence when no one knew in the bathroom at night without a sound, tears rolled down my cheeks as I reflected on the life that could have been. 17-18 years ago, life was very different, and I guess that is when we last went to the United States for Thivya’s dance arangetram and we returned for her wedding this time. I missed both Chithappa and Kannan as they both have a joyful presence and loved to make another smile and laugh. I remember us going in a boat about 18 years ago to see the statue of liberty and remember the antics between Kannan and Chithappa too. I vividly remember Chithappa wearing the green hat with the statue of liberty spikes; it was so much fun. We all squeezed into and travelled in a limo to get there.

Being at Willy and Thivya’s wedding brought back so many great memories. I hadn’t seen one or two cousins since then and it took me right back. A memory flashed before my eyes of seeing Kannan my brother as a child playing, being mischievous and cheeky with his cousins. I felt emotional for a few days but held myself together quite well I thought. I really enjoyed everyone’s presence as it felt like it had been so long, too long. I had forgotten the joy of being together as a family and having that connection on Appa’s side of the family. It had been a long while since we connected as cousins internationally. I could feel Kannan’s spirit being present, but I missed his physical presence. I felt I could connect with everyone a lot more than in the past too. I feel I am healing in my own way, and it helps to face these social situations. I do really miss Kannan anyhow.

At Chithappa's house

On Gaayini and Nivashini's swing

We all have different coping strategies, one of mine being to keep so busy to not feel things, to numb the pain. It doesn’t always work as feelings come up when you least expect it. Kannan was such a sweetie. There were aspects I admired in Kannan that I saw in some of my cousins that reminded me of Kannan. He had such a warm heart, and everyone loved him so much. I often had the yearning of a brother and without realising had transferred some of those feelings onto another. I didn’t realise how damaging it was to me to do that, but I guess its natural. In life one tries to fill the gap, a large void that is hard to fill but some sort of filling took place that made my heart feel fuller, rather than feel so empty and bare. I didn’t realise I had tried to fill his presence. I only realised at the point of letting go. It felt so painful when I realised; it was like a shock to my entire being. It was like I had to be rewired and calibrated again to make a new version of myself. I think I feel more like myself again. I can feel things much more whereas I didn’t realise I had unintentionally blocked some of my emotions because of what I did. I am open and expressive but even still I managed to hide some emotions. It is the smallest of things that can be a trigger to grief too.

I have found it triggering seeing my younger cousins who are a similar age to him and seeing Kannan’s friends. It isn’t easy. I manage ok usually. However, it is important to feel these feelings and to go through it. Grief through suicide is endless and this is a common message I receive from a support group I have been attending for those who have been bereaved by suicide too. Certain triggers and things may happen till the day I die. However, it gets more tolerable in some ways. I am constantly learning about life and have had some 'aha moments'. It teaches me about self-realisation. I felt really close to Kannan. That might be why I feel what I feel.

On a site note, I am happy, and life comes with its challenges. The reason for writing this is to create awareness. It takes grief or sadness to know and appreciate happiness too. Regardless in how I have felt and the difficult emotions I am learning to let go. I am learning to be happy. I am trying to enjoy and embrace the life I have. I do my best to give the world my best self, to serve the community. Above all, I have learnt the importance of looking after myself, putting myself first and my needs before the needs of others to help me. It has been a huge learning curve for me. There are often unprocessed aspects of grief that only get processed when there is a trigger too, I guess. However, It is important to feel and go through it. I am learning and I am moving on in my own way. I just feel that it is important that `I share where I am as it may help some to understand.

It is extremely hard to comprehend the pain left behind after suicide. That pain left behind is the love we have for Kannan. That love is so strong. I just wish he was still here. I know he is in a higher sense but sometimes it is just so hard to comprehend. I am now living life the way I want to. One cannot compare or judge me. The old me is the old me, the new me is the new me and I am constantly growing, The Aranee from yesterday is not the Aranee of today too. I am now living life the way I want to and am happy with the choices I make. In this way I feel I can be my happiest self as I have made the choices that have led me to where I am now. I guess for me true success is being happy with where you are right now at this moment and to be grateful for everything. I just thought to finish by saying thank you to all those who have supported me and tried to understand me and also given me space to discover my true self. Thank you for all the love you have shared! It is very much appreciated.

Eating at Prakash's wedding next to Kanna