Life after Kannan – Part 2

I really want to know why Kannan took his own life and I have no idea why. It often crosses my mind. Recently I have been thinking about it. It doesn’t make sense to me. I do wonder whether if it is even possible to make sense of something like this without probably meeting him again or asking him in person. It is just purely assumptions one can make and the accuracy of those assumptions is highly questionable. This makes it difficult to understand what the real truth is. At the time I felt in shock and probably did not question things as much as I do now or maybe I have come to terms with things much more than in the past. I want to know or want to try to understand at the least. I do not know whether I will ever find out. Being the older sister I always felt quite protective over my siblings and have always been that way. This maybe a reason why I feel things so deeply. I also feel that being an older sister also has a motherly nature too as I was often left with my siblings and relatives or friends kids to look after. I remember often cooking for Kannan and always trying to make things that he would like.

When one thinks about why Kannan did what he did, one may think that Kannan may have done what he did to reach some level of happiness. This concept is however quite complex and hard to understand as it questions life itself at several levels. I did feel quite numb though when initially hearing about the news. I feel that shock and numbness has been prolonged for so many years. Only layers of the sadness sheds with time but the pain still remains deep and heavy.

I thought this next blog would be about him but maybe with a bit of a twist so I have broken it down into little sections.

Assumptions

We all do it in life and think this person must be thinking this way or that way but this is all really in our head and our mind playing games. We do not know anything unless we confront and ask the person directly. I do often get annoyed when people make assumptions about me which can sometimes be slyly put across. It is such a strange world of people who like to assume. Sometimes I feel assumptions or expectations can box a person and not allow them to grow or even allow them to be themselves. I feel this is very unfair and is a type of social pressure that is not needed. It can also feel like submissive bullying. Life is too short. Nobody knows anyone unless we are that person or if we can put ourselves in their shoes. I feel I am the only person who truly knows myself.

I maybe open but at the same time I am not saying everything and I don’t want to share everything. Some things are so sad and hard to put into words and some things are so difficult that one cannot even comprehend certain things. This again leads into making a judgement. Everyone does it and this is what may box people. Sometimes the ones who you think are poles apart may actually have similar philosophies in life and have much more in common. No one can judge a book by its cover as the saying goes.

Happiness

How does one define happiness? It is unique to the individual. Some may find pleasure in drinking alcohol for example, and maybe use it as an escape from reality, others may want to be health freaks and find happiness in looking after their health rather than indulging in worldly pleasures. Happiness is difficult to define. What makes one person happy may make another unhappy. It is a strange world. Some people also feel to be happy or to be accepted certain rules may need to be followed but this is just another social pressure and we all have our own choice as to what we want to do in life. I feel that there is enough in this world to make one high and happy without other stimulants. Some may agree or disagree but I guess this depends on each individual and their needs in life. I see happiness more as a lifestyle change. Wouldn’t it be great if we could continue with life not needing a holiday from life itself? I am always looking for ways to improve my health and happiness for the long-term and trying to better myself through the process.

My Soul tribe

I have been reaching out and voicing my thoughts and it has surprised me that those I least expected contacted me. It makes me feel as though I am not on my own. My soul tribe is coming together I feel; happy times are here. My special people who understand me for who I am and who encourage me to better myself. I feel that once everything starts to come together things start falling into place naturally. The universe is with me.