Life after Kannan - Part 3

I have learnt a lot from those around me but recently I learnt a lot from reading a blog John, Kannan’s friend wrote. It was something in what he wrote that struck a chord with me deep down. The journey up the final summit. That feeling. I have had that feeling several times where I tried to get over the summit to continue my life but not quite making it but this time I have to cross it, no matter what it takes. And as John remembered Kannan and his memories. I too have to think of him and those memories and forget about the bubble I created around me to protect myself. I need to have the courage to face my grief. I need to try and be me again. The me I was before Kannan passed away. The me that was torn away at the time I heard the news that Kannan took his own life. The shock and disbelief from the news affected me mind body and spirit.

I have moved on so far from that day but each year faced different challenges and have been doing my best to try to better myself. I used to get flash backs of that day when we first heard the news and the last week I spent with him. Vivid images of seeing periappa and periamma rushing to see us and Thaya mama. The house suddenly filled with hundreds of people questioning what happened. It was a blur now that I think about it, even the funeral. Everyone were inquisitive to try and understand their spin on what happened but there were no answers. The endless questions from family and friends drummed in my head at the time, the trauma of hearing it all again and again and again and not knowing what to say because I did not know. I do not think there will ever be any answers.

Last year being in a very bad place myself and battling to try and hold myself together and struggling. The feeling of being inadequate to move on from the past and the fear of moving on. It is strange now that I think about it. I need to learn to let go. I am now visualising Kannan saying you can do it Aranee keep going, keep going. You are almost there. If it was not for his spirit guiding me I would not have come as far as I have. I have to keep going and know that he is still here guiding me all the way no matter how brutal and painful it feels. Being the older sibling trying to be brave, putting the brave face on when seeing family and friends and pretending I was fine and coping ok, when I was in reality dying inside and crumbling and falling apart. I don’t think anyone could console me, even those close to me. Nobody understood the grief and pain I was feeling. I lost my adviser, someone in the family who was most passionate and encouraging about my career in osteopathy. He was my motivator.

Then at university clinging onto a friend who reminded me of Kanna and reliving a time as if he was around in the physical form, a strange but unexpected friendship, another way of carrying on as if he is still here but the truth is he is not here anymore and he is gone. Reality has kicked in. What have I been doing to myself? I have to move on and move onto the next phase of my life. It is as if I have been stuck for the last 7-8 years of my life. It is time I allow myself to let go and think about those close to me and my family and friends so that I can move on to the next steps of life itself.

My family have seen me at my worst and supported me. I am so lucky to have those around me who understand me and who have given me space to allow me to heal and discover myself and take life at my own pace. It is as if time froze after Kannan passed away and I have been clinging onto that place. Letting go for me is the biggest challenge. It is hard. I had to say a few words as it is mental health awareness week. This blog comes a little early.

The feeling of the loss is still very raw and real but I am in a better place. I have grown so much from the 23-year-old I was but I know I still have a long way to go. So taking a bit of inspiration from today’s talk and seeing Satguru. If there is one thing we will succeed in it is in death as we can never fail and all pass. This I found funny! and on a final note there is nothing in this world we need to worry about. The cloud of emotions and drama which we grow is our own making therefore it is only us alone who can control it. Hoping that I take a fresh stand point from today to help me grow much more and have more insight in my life and in the lives of those around me.