Life after Kannan – Part 4

So digging a bit deeper. There may be a recurrent theme within what I write as I try to address different aspects of the trauma of what happened after my brother Kannan suicided. This blog takes more of raw angle into deeper truths.

The punishment I gave myself

The self-harm and punishment to myself. I have done a lot of that to myself over the last few years. I wish I could have helped Kannan. Maybe this punishment is what I gave to myself for what he did and my inability to save him. I wish I could have. I wish Kannan came to me for help but he chose not to at the time. I would have tried to help him. I did not know that he was planning to end his life. I have been on edge in the past and sometimes think of the worst when people don’t reply to messages. It is almost as if I went into flight fight mode ever since. That is a lot better now but there was a time because of what happened to Kannan, I thought of the worst. There was one particular time where I became a prisoner to this thought and got myself stuck. I could not move from this thought and thought of the worst. It was hard but I have somehow managed to train my mind to steer away from this and not overthink or worry unnecessarily.

The over protective sister

The bombardment of non-stop questions from extended family and friends after Kannan took his life. How dare could people ask me such stupid questions? I was massively protective of my brother. I did not know if there were any issues he had so I refused to accept he had anything wrong with him. He was my brother not just any brother, he was a good looking, fit, funny, clever lad who had everything going for him. I was not ready to accept when anyone made assumptions. Sometimes I wish I knew the answers to understand things much more but I don’t know why he did what he did. For me my brother was the best. I loved him so much and even after he died I wasn’t prepared to stop protecting him. I took things to another level and tried to protect him even more. I am his older sister after all. What else do you expect me to do? I was not going to drop the shield I was holding to protect him and protect myself too. Now imagine if it was your brother. I had family, friends and just random people question me to obliteration. It killed me bit by bit inside. I didn’t even have the space at the time to process my own emotions.

So the answers you all wanted are here now. All the mountains of questions have been answered. There were no answers. I held Kannan right up there on that pedestal and no one would make me feel he was anything less or you got it from me and you got from me bad. I do not think I would differ today. HE IS MY BROTHER. This is what I will do and I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. He the BEST and always will be. I don’t care if he took his own life. If that’s what he wanted. He got what he wanted and I know he is happy. I just try and remember and not blame myself for what happened, but how can one just carry on? I should have looked after him better. What kind of sister am I? If I could give up my life to bring him back, I would. He was someone who was out of this world. He wouldn’t harm anyone. He wouldn’t get angry. He was a lovable bubbly smiley guy; the best brother anyone would ever want.

The built up anger I held

I have yelled and got into huge arguments with extended family and friends. There are still those I do not talk to still or that there remains an uneasy vibe. My hostile nature of helping myself to have the space from those who just didn’t understand or did not want to understand. I needed that space. I don’t expect to be forgiven. But imagine if you were in my position. This was not something I could move on from so easily. There was a lot of vent up emotions held inside me. Sometimes I felt a bit like a volcano about to explode and at any time I could let lose I just let it out and probably unintentionally hurt a couple people in the process. I had no control over this. Sometimes this may have made me look like the worst person ever but I could not help it. I am sorry if I hurt you or anyone. I just hope my writing may help you understand. It is not something easy to understand for anyone. My blog writing may only attempt to explain. It is not necessarily needed. I guess it helps me process and organize my thoughts. The main reason for this is to splurge my thoughts and feelings about how I feel and how I felt at the time.

Thanks again for your encouragement and kind words while I am on my blogging journey. I feel better and better each time I write this. Till July when we meet again. This photo below is a photo of me sitting on Kannan’s lap while in a boathouse in Kerala. He looks a bit annoyed with me in this photo:-) TypicaI, I used to always annoy him. This was the usual playful nature between us. The photo was taken by Appa. That trip was so much fun. I remember Kannan and I swimming in the lagoon when it was pouring down with rain. The atmosphere was kind of humid but had this happy calm feel about it. Happy times:-)