Life reflections

Hi everyone,

So this is my 7th blog of the year. Yay! I have passed halfway. I feel I have come a long way from my first blog. I want to thank you all for your encouragement with my blogging journey. I have written the next blog in two parts, the first part is about the happy times with Kannan and the second part is about the rat race of life.

The happy memories with Kannan

Being the month that Kannan passed away, coming to 8 years since 22nd/23rd July 2010. I still cannot quite believe what happened. Acceptance has been the greatest challenge. I am getting better at accepting but it has not been easy.

Memories:-)

It saddens me to this day that I never spoke about Kannan at his funeral. I wish I did but we cannot turn back time. Everyone were protective and thought I would not be able to handle it and I believed it too. How silly was I to even think that? It was as if I had lost the will to fight in me, that inner drive. I have softened a lot since what happened to Kannan as I was often outspoken and boisterous in nature. Being the emotional person that I am and quite expressive. I lost a platform to speak or express myself about my brother therefore I feel these blogs have allowed me to create my own platform to speak about him and let out those feelings from 8 years ago onward. So let us leave this to one side as the best moments were all before he exited this world.

Taking a deep breath in and a pause..... visualising his happy face, the face I always remember. Kannan would walk about the house with his gleaming smile and joke around with me and Lux. It would make us giggle and then we would all be in fits of laughter. He would often pull our leg. When arriving home from uni, I would run to hug him and yell Kanna’s here Kanna’s here in excitement. Happy times! There was often competition between Amma and me. Not really but kind off. Amma would hug Kannan on one side and then I would hug Kannan on the other and Kannan would be smiling but trying to push me away and be hugging Amma tight. It was so funny, now thinking about it.

Amma and Kannan:-)

I also remember fighting for our favorite spot on the sofa. I miss telling Kannan all my stories mainly all the complaints, about everything. He would always listen. He was a good listener and then he would motivate me to take certain challenges with my career. I miss him. He was so much fun, having this external happy vibrant demeanor but also being serious about life too. He never wanted to trouble anyone. He was deep. We had similar taste in things and had some similarities, I had not realised. I did not realise he was sentimental too. I found a box in his room with lots of old tickets and keepsakes. I also had the same kind of thing. I often reminisced the happy times.

I really miss Kannan and have recently felt his spirit around more prominently. I have also had signs from him showing me that he is around. I found it comforting to know he is still here with me in some ways. All I know is the day I die will most likely be the day I forget. Well, we don’t know what will happen after but I wonder if I will remember the life I lived or whether it would become some kind of distant past. Some may think that those bereaved by suicide can just move on but it is not so simple. I think of it as a life long journey and challenge.

The Rat Race versus the Power of Rest

Recently I have come to realise the power and the magic of what rest can bring. It was in these moments that I was most productive or that things fell into place. It felt like a miracle. A moment of a pause I didn’t realise could be so powerful.

I think we often forget the meaning and purpose of our life. Slowing down is essential to our well-being. It’s unhealthy to keep going and to live off the drive which could cause other issues such as depression or anxiety and could make someone ill.

The idea being to work smart and not let work or life get the better of you. To do what you can for the greater good of mankind and follow your passion but to also look after and replenish yourself. Life has its challenges, ups and downs. There is a beauty in the difficult times too and overcoming them makes one feel happy. But what is true happiness it is not about what we get externally but what we reach and achieve within ourselves. Sometimes this concept is hard to completely understand or accept and we can get wrapped up in the happenings of daily life.

Recent selfie:-)

Finally I just thought to say that each time I write I feel lighter and better in some ways. So if you feel like writing a blog I strongly recommend it as it can be highly therapeutic. Well, it has been for me. Thanks again everyone for your support and encouragement.