A Strange world, Strangers, and Nightmares

It’s a strange world

It is a strange world and sometimes I feel I can sense when something is not quite right. The gut instinct tells you something. Sometimes I do wonder though whether I become a prisoner to this and whether it is entirely true. Being an empath can have its advantages and disadvantages too. Sometimes it can be confusing understanding whether I am feeling my own emotions or the emotions of another. I do not even have to be in the same room as the person and sense this sometimes. It is some kind of intuitive power but kind of confusing, ha ha!

People are often following the crowd as they are afraid to be themselves. I think that the culture is changing and there is beauty in being different and unique in this world. There is magic in being different. Being different in this world is the best. Why would we ever want to be like someone else. Let you be you, me be me and we carry on in this crazy world.

Strangers

I found it a lot easier talking to strangers than talking to some people I know recently. I never felt judged. I met Jane who is a school teacher and, also met Laura through a hand shake thing where we had clay in the middle and it was called "shake hands with a stranger”. I also randomly met another passing friend, kind of random and we were both crossing the road and could smell weed, and she said it is not me and I said it’s not me too. It was kind of funny. But these people were complete strangers to me but I could have friendly conversations with which was nice. These 3 occurrences happened in one day. It is kind of random but kind of nice at the same time, a day of random meet ups and friendly people.

When we reach out to people or have the energy overflowing in us, that energy is reciprocated. Some kind of balance in the laws of nature maybe. This is kind of deep maybe but I guess that is life.

Nightmares

I had a few recently. One where I was getting chased by some kind of ghost which swirled in my tummy. That was scary. I am not sure if that was real. The other being that I had a nightmare thinking that someone had done something to Kannan and once I woke up my brain was working extra hard to think what the hell happened. It felt so real and then I just felt so confused. Maybe because I still can’t quite believe what happened. There are moments when I feel so down and this comes so suddenly maybe when I am feeling so exhausted or when everything seems to be going haywire or maybe when I get super angry of the happenings of the day. These down moments can come up when least expected.

One of the reasons I haven’t had a party since my 21st is because it makes me upset that Kannan is not here and one part of me just feels like falling into tears. He is my younger brother after all. Birthdays being a time to cherish with family. He is a big part of my family. It is strange that even holiday seems not the same after he passed away. That type of happiness, I don’t think can ever come back. It makes me so upset that he is not here. He is always joking around with me. Another thing I find that kind of stimulates me and gets me going. There are small things that remind me of him, such as someone eating monster munch crisps (the pickled onion ones he used to eat), someone drinking an orange Lucozade sport, seeing a bright blue Peugeot 206 . Sometimes I would glance to see who is in the driving seat. If only I could wish he was still here.

I take him everywhere I go, subconscious or consciously. He is a big part of us 3 siblings. I guess even our presence may bring memories of him to others. It is very sad. But what can we do. I just hope that no one endures what we have. It is devastating and life changing. I was an innocent carefree 23 year old with no real responsibilities. Suddenly my brother was taken from me, he had vanished , out of the blue. He was so special to me. I often fall into my grieving moments but I guess this is a lifelong process. I will never forget that happiness when he was here. If I could feel that again or fill that void, how awesome it would be. I don’t think that place can be filled by anyone. I love him so much and just wish he was here so I could talk to him like I used to. I still feel him around and feel his spirit guiding me but I just wish I could give him a hug and not let him go. Where have you gone? Why did you leave us? If only I could understand. Here we go in the whirlwind of life and we carry on.