“I am a lot stronger than I think, and stronger than I know"

Slowing down, helps put life and its journey in perspective. It has been a year full of healing from the inside out. I have learnt the importance of being happy, not just happy but carefree, having a free spirit, keeping hold of my inner child, and taking all life’s obstacles in my stride.

I have a dream as Martin Luther King said :-) , I too have a dream that more people understand the depths of mental health, that people open their eyes not to judge, not to comment but understand that we all have our own path. I hope the stigma of mental health is reduced even more this year. It is still something that is alien in our society. It has been very rare that we even talk about suicide since kanna's passing or talk about the challenges of mental health. Mental health problems should have the same importance as physical problems and not be addressed with abrupt advice, "you need to move on".

I had gone through a lot over the last few years since the trauma of the suicide of my younger brother Kannan. I think I processed the emotions of that trauma in more recent years. It was almost as if I got stuck and everything evolved around that trauma and I connected Kannan to everything in my life.

Things are slowly getting better and I am healing everyday. These blogs represent that journey. However, it is a life long process but I am learning to let go. It is not easy and I thought I could carry Kannan with me but I have to try and let go to help myself to move forwards. It felt as if he was on my shoulders.

I feel it is important to have time and space dedicated at least once a week to think about him to allow for further healing. I have to make that a habit and create time for that. Writing blogs has also allowed me to express how I feel and it always felt good to have a reduction in emotional baggage. I also found it extremely helpful often talking about Kannan and reflecting on each blog I wrote this year. It was great to have the support of a few who gave me constant feedback and encouragement to carry on writing.

I managed to improve my mental health with my blog writing. I feel less weight on my shoulders. Furthermore, I did not fully express my feeling for the loss of Kannan due to the shock of what happened. It was almost like I had bottled emotions and was a fizzy drink that had been shook. There have been moments where I have had sudden outbursts of falling into tears uncontrollably particularly in the last 2 years. It was difficult for family or friends to understand as I was complicated. This too had an effect on me in other areas of my life.

The path of life is individual and is not to be compared to another but only compared to our former self. Am I a better person than before? Have I grown spiritually? Has life taught me lessons? I feel I have learnt a lot in 2018 and grew so much as a person. I am hoping that 2019 is a year for further development.

Goal, goal goal, I make it sound like football, kind of I guess, the game of life. It takes technique and lessons learnt to channel the path, as old doors close, new doors open and there is light leading the way in this direction. There is some form of supernatural power whether we call that the power of the universe or God. There is a power beyond us all.

I have a vision an amazing one that I have held for roughly the last 10 years of my life. I hope that this year is full of miracles, not just for myself but for all those around me. We continue to learn and not judge those around us but learn to understand. Space and time for oneself is not valued as much as it should be. It is important having this time to reflect.

I am extremely grateful to Prashanthan, Amma, Appa, Lux, Carrthy and Harrish for supporting me with my life’s adventures and journey. I have had a lot going on but everyone has their ups and downs in life. It is natural. I am a lot stronger than I think and stronger than I know. I could not have coped without family nor my friends. Friends I could chat to about anything and everything. Its great having friends who have similar goals and aspirations too which help with motivation and development.

The challenges I have faced and overcome and how quickly the direction changed is phenomenal. I am so happy with my life and the challenges I have been through. I would not be who I am today without them. I have learnt so much and hope to continue to learn and to try and better myself.

I would like to finish my first blog of this year with a few thoughts and lessons learnt:

1) Life needs no agenda, we can take each day as it comes, living and being in the moment.

2) Saying no when needed and not feeling bad for claiming time for myself and my growth.

3) The importance of being humble in a dog eat dog world and not be part of it, but be a part of our own individual mission of comparing ourselves with our former self.

4) Being grateful with what we have and whom who have in our lives.

5) To cut the ego and pride, not always easy but so important.

6) Being real is underrated. Being real in our modern day society I feel is beautiful. I enjoy real conversations about life and its deeper meaning with real people. The materialistic things will vanish when we perish. Life is not about the glorified external desires and attributes of life. Modern day society can have these pressures.

7) The external appearance can be deceiving too, so when you meet someone next time, ask if they are happy and not ask about other things that don’t matter. Life is about being happy at the end of the day. Happiness and its perception is individual as what makes one person happy may make another person unhappy.

8) Sometimes it might be more wise to keep our advice to ourselves and remember than we can only truly help ourselves. So lets keep our advice to ourselves and not imply that our way of life is the only correct path when trying to help others but be accepting of a multitude of options and ideas as life is not like a,b,c, d. The aim of these blogs were to just to share my thoughts but that doesn't mean I claim that what I talk about is fact, it is merely thoughts and they constantly change and evolve.

9) We have to be the change we want to see with more action and less talk.

10) To not have to reason what I do in my life to anyone and just have pure determination.

Society is ever-changing. I hope I have directly or indirectly helped someone with my writing, We all have in our right to choose our own individual path and it is even more great when we have the support of family and friends who understand our journey. Thank you for all your support and encouragement. Hoping all the hardship I have been through helps create something even more beautiful and positive. To have a stronger spirit and to not forget the true essence of life. Lets fly like a unicorn!

Happy 2019 everyone! Hoping you all have a fantastic new year!