PTSD, anxiety and depression
In early 2017, I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), severe depression, and anxiety. I do not think anyone on the outside of my social circle could recognise this because of how I held myself in society. I never missed events and managed to hold that smile of mine regardless. I thought it was about time I open up about this. For those of you who don't know about PTSD, you can read about it here:
This affected my time at university and hindered relationships I had with friends and family. It was such a challenging time. I used to attend group PTSD sessions . I was determined to feel better about myself. It was a great challenge but I somehow managed. I learnt techniques to help keep me grounded such as playing with a fidget spinner, taking into account my surroundings, for example using smell, touch, and sound to help ground myself. That was the thing that helped me the most. I also learnt about the emotional freedom technique when attending a stress awareness day at university. I did everything in my power to help myself as best as I could. I never shut myself away. I still pushed forward. There were a few instances where I couldn’t quite understand what was happening to me and I had no control over how I reacted.
The moments just before Kannan passed away often replayed in my head again and again and again. I had vivid flashbacks of moments with him. I had nightmares at the time too. This all heightened when I knew university life was about to end, as I was clinging onto that experience and I didn’t want it to end. It was almost as if I was travelling with my brother, having this feeling that it is because of him I am doing what I am doing, and the moment I let go I would let go of him too. My thinking was wrong though. I see that now but at the time it was very hard. He was, and is very much linked with my goals, and aspirations as he even said he would be a model for my website (yet to be made, watch this space:-). I have slowly learnt to let go of him and university life simultaneously. It was tough as I used university as an emotional crutch initially. This was not the most healthy as all I was doing was using another stress to cover-up the actual problem. I loved it though. That’s just me:-) I loved pushing myself to my limits and in doing so discovered the problems I had and learnt to resolve them one step at a time. I may not have known otherwise.
I have been wanting to open up about this for a very long time and I have no shame in explaining what I went through. I had one to one CBT and also had regular counselling. However, in January 2018 I was discharged from having PTSD, anxiety and depression. My scores went down rocket low and I was symptom free after writing my first blog. There was something about writing the blog that helped me massively, like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I decided from then onward that I would continue to write how I feel to release emotions out of me and use it as a type of therapy for myself. If there is something that I learnt it is not to be afraid to open up so that I can help myself and others. I have had several people contact me and those least expected too. It is great having that support as it has given me confidence to continue on my journey and share my life experiences.
Furthermore. I stopped having counselling in August 2018. I then went on a phenomenal yoga-meditation-retreat in Scotland that helped me and since then I never needed counselling. The blogs have been my way of getting my emotions out. I thought of it as reflections of the journey I have been on and reflecting on what Kannan may have been through. I intend to share this to help others. I am much better than I have ever been and that is because I took measures to help myself as best as I could and still am, such as having cranial osteopathy and personal training sessions. I was also lucky to have great supportive friends and family too. I have recognised the importance of solitude. I am also extremely grateful for the patience of my family, especially Prashanthan. I got married one year after Kannan passed away. There was not enough time to process the emotions I had and then later the hype of being a newly married for about a year. Later, I decided to return to university so that I could meet people and increase my social circle. It was one of the best things I did for myself.
Stress in life is multifaceted and can affect every aspect of life. It should not be dismissed point blank if ever raised. I have a huge interest in mental heath and increasing mental health awareness since what happened to Kannan and what I have been through. I hope that what I have shared helps someone. I am proud of myself for finally being brave to open up about this. I am in such a better place and still pulling through. The effect of suicide of a close lovely brother like Kannan is heart wrenching. I am moving on now though and doing what I can to help myself. Onward and upwards always!
This was last weekend with Prashanthan, fun times:-)