“If Kannan was here, what would life be like?”
The if Kannan was here analogy, came up in the last gathering we had. How amazing would it be we thought to ourselves? How different would life be? What would Kannan be doing? It was emotional to talk about these things. It is as if we all wanted him around but knew he had gone physically. I found it hard to visualise him into the future carrying on in this world as that chapter is over. We also spoke about feeling his spirit at certain moments of life.
Perceptions of Kannan
Kannan was a brother to many, not just myself I realised. Some reflected how challenging they found it and then tried to empathise with me with him being a blood brother. There was also mention of how he was the glue that brought us closer together in a recent gathering we had. It is like shattered glass, one moment he was physically there, and then the memories got shattered and spread amongst all those who love him. Wouldn’t it be great if Kannan were around? Kannan is there but in a higher sense but it is extremely hard. Sometimes you wake up wishing it was just a nightmare and things would just be normal again and he would be back. But it almost like living in a nightmare. Waiting for the moment of happiness. I feel since what happened, happiness is dented with sadness too, I don't think I could ever snap out of it. I wish I could.
Moving on
I know I need to move on but a part of me is holding on. Is this because I am afraid of what will happen next? Or is it because I don’t want those memories to fade? I don’t know. All I know is that I find it hard and I also find it effortful to be happy sometimes because when I’m happy or have happy news or even sad news, I usually share it with Kannan and he would give me praise or even give me some of his wise words that would get me thinking. It is very hard for me as I feel things more fresh maybe because I have reflected over the journey over the last 9 years in much greater depth more recently. I gave myself time to heal for the first time. I gave myself space to figure things out. It isn’t easy for me.
The art of holding on or letting go
Sometimes you just want to let go and move on but for me I feel Kannan is very much a part of my journey and he is with me constantly. Some may say this is selfish but I find strength in knowing that he has guided me in all that I have achieved up until this point. I know that he will continually guide me. I miss you Kannan beyond words could ever fully describe. You are so special and it is a shame that you could not see the value you brought to myself and the lives of others. Letting go is not easy and I don’t actually know how to do it. I am trying though, but I wonder sometimes if I am trying too hard. Having space allows for raw feelings to dissipate and it’s important to not suppress those but at the same time it is almost as if it is expected that we put a brave face on act as a stone to carry on. I have tried blocking and feel it can be unhealthy. I feel by expressing myself I have progressed heaps and bounds.
Reflections
On reflection of the past, I remember the fun times when you were so cheeky, often pulling my leg and making fun of me. You were so funny! But beyond the jokes you were the most caring and protective brother. You really looked out for me and in some ways I feel you are looking out for me now too. I also feel you will be looking out for all those who loved you and those you cared for.
I remember seeing your room all neatly arranged and could never keep up my room to your standards. You were so neat for a guy, and very organised. I also remember you highlighting phrases in books. You were full of depth even though you had a fun persona. I really miss you. I remember some of the fun things you did with me and lux, just to tease us or make us laugh. Where has those laughs gone? Will that kind of laughter or happiness ever come back? I wonder. You took care of your appearance immaculately too. I am only just starting to make an effort with my appearance, maybe because you were such a good example.
Loving yourself
I often found it very difficult to like myself. I often felt like a bad person for what happened to Kannan, and felt responsible as I was his big sister. I have also done some unintentional self-sabotage, because I felt like a bad person. I have somehow managed to pull myself out of it. I had a lot of guilt as I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe that is the reason I throw myself into service and helping others as much as I can as I feel inadequate as a person as I feel I have so much to give. I feel better through service knowing that at least something has been done to help someone.
Getting stuck in an emotional whirlwind
It being hard to express pain emotionally. Repressed and suppressed over the years, sometime bajans also hinder complete expression. Some may say it is healing but I felt that bajans made us hide away from our feelings or maybe a way to express ourselves without true rawness from within ourselves. Therefore not being completely open to our feelings but tapping into a spiritual paradigm of healing.
I think to be emotionally intelligent and to feel free is to be open and true to ourselves, it is important to try and express ourselves, through some form, physically and mentally engaging ourselves and to focus and be in the moment which brings about a calm feeling in the chaos. Singing may help some but might not be for everyone. There is a definite release but with a spiritual connotation with bhajans and I feel that it helps with mental strength but I feel it may be healthier to break apart and feel pain and cry to feel more complete again rather than suppression and hiding behind a bajan or prayer. I still use prayer but I dont think it is the only answer. I also talk to myself and listen to what my inner self says This is my point of view but this may not be the same for everyone.
Stopping the blogs
Some may argue that these blogs of mine maybe pointless but they have helped me so much more than I can imagine. I had been advised once to stop it, in the thought that I am holding on. But I feel I am moving on. I am just slow. But being slow and steady has allowed me to acknowledge how I have felt and do what is right for me. Being honest about
myself and my feelings has helped me in so many ways.
Reach out
If you want to reach out, can call chat about it if needed. I am not afraid to speak about it if it helps in anyway.
Moving on, a new Aranee. Moving forwards, not looking back. Just look at where I am now and to step forwards. Stepping forwards, and I leap forwards into the unknown, trusting that the universe will look after me.
