Growing up

Growing up is an ongoing process, but what do I mean by this? It is about constant change in improving oneself with the challenges of life. This could entail character, attitude, resilience and any other values in life.

I feel that over the years I have evolved as a person. The obstacles I have faced have helped make me who I am today. I have found growing up challenging and have may be learnt a lot more in the last 10 years of my life than any other. I feel I have changed a lot.

Meeting new people has helped me change into a better person I feel. Furthermore having friends with similar goals and aspirations has also helped with guiding me in my life. Focusing on my strengths; I feel I am a lot stronger and am definitely braver. I am not afraid of things that I may have been afraid of in the past. I have learnt to face my fear no matter the consequence and in doing so have learnt that I am a lot stronger than I imagined myself to be and astound myself. Well done me! :-)

I have also found that it is important that even as we grow old with each day that we hold onto our inner child. Age is just a number at the end of the day. It is about how we represent ourselves and carry on in this world which resonates with the universe and echoes back in several ways. We serve our planet and Earth carries us with open arms. We are the children of Earth.

The most life changing moment for me was 9 years ago when I lost my brother. He was just 19 and suddenly vanished out of my life. I was in shock. I do not think it actually sunk in even during the funeral or over the years. It has taken me some time. I often wonder whether it was all a big lie and he is in hiding somewhere doing some undercover job which required him to disappear from the face of the Earth…I wish.

It is suicide awareness month therefore thought to reflect on the experience of how what happened to Kannan helped change and better who I am. I learnt a lot. I had to grow up quite quickly. Prior to Kannan passing away I was an innocent, carefree young 23-year-old with no cares or responsibilities as such. The moment I lost him, I had to take ownership of my role even more so as the older sister, protect him, my sister, mum and dad from various challenges around the time of the suicide of my younger brother Kannan.

There was a lot of interrogation and people asking, “what happened, what happened?” It felt like a zillion times. I was the target of interrogation compared to the others in my family. It was not easy. Occasionally people still ask and I don’t mind answering but when you don’t know the answer it still sets you back in time. I think the worst is when people make frank assumptions because of ... he took is life or because of … I have also made several assumptions and got angry too in the process. I will only know if I get a chance to meet Kannan again and ask him face to face. I wonder whether we may meet again after I die but I don’t know what will happen after death. Is there any point in finding out and is there actually a reason is another point? I guess Kannan didn't want anyone to know why and did not want to stay on this planet in his physical form. This does not mean that he is not here, as long as memories exist he still lives on in a higher sense.

I had never felt so lost in my life. I had to connect with Kanna to make sure he was ok and I got a message through a deep sense of feeling near the time he passed away. I tried to connect with him and feel his spirit and got a message. He was happy I felt and that is what gave me a strength like no other. I am normally an emotional being but I was stuck at his funeral. I felt frozen. I was in disbelief. I had never thought in my life that I would be attending my own brother’s funeral. He was 4 years younger than me. I used to carry him on back and tickle him when he was little until the days when he rugby tackled me to the ground. He was so playful. I also remember him tensing his arm and asking me to punch it and I would say, "I don’t want to hurt you" and he would say, "Punch harder, punch harder" while tensing his muscles.

At the funeral I just repeated "Om Namah Shivaya" non-stop to give me strength and blank it out and I feel Sai teachings gave me further strength to deal with what happened. I am extremely grateful too for attending Sathya Sai Education. Furthermore, taking part in Sai youth activities such as leading charity projects for the homeless, and taking initiative in thinking of new ways to help people maximally, in what capacity one has. The Sathya Sai leadership programme along with the Sadhana of love programme also helped with my self-development. These activities have given me further strength and peace in my mind.

I think we should all congratulate ourselves from time to time each day and finish with gratitude for what life has given us, focusing on what we have and not take life for granted. Family is special, and when one person left our family, it just skewed things terribly. I recently thought how cool would it be if Kannan was here. He would have been the coolest uncle ever for Harrish. They would have been besties. I guess things are different but I can imagine him living on and still feel his presence.

I spoke to Kannan about all my ideas for work always. He was constantly encouraging me to persevere with my career. I think out of everyone in my immediate family he was the most interested in what I was studying and each time I learnt a technique, he wanted me to use him to practice on. I remember him complaining to mum when I didn’t give him a treatment when he asked for one saying “Aranee is so osteopathetic”. This was his playful way of getting me to treat him and it worked. I would then of course giggle, treat him and then he would be asleep in bed. I loved it when he used to ask, can you look at my knee/ankle? I miss Kannan. He was the best brother ever. I just wish he was still here. He always cracked a joke and tried to make us sisters laugh with his cheekiness.

It was very emotional during my last graduation too for physiotherapy as I reflected on the journey. He was not present physically therefore I could not practice on him as i did whilst studying osteopathy but I still did seek his guidance. The strength from the effects of what I went through from his death gave a phenomenal strength like no other. I became much more resilient and tenacious. Looking at my old photo during my osteopathy graduation where he was near the center of the photo and to reflect and to think that he was the center of my physiotherapy graduation photo but in a higher sense. He gave me a strength that I did not realise I had. People say that things happen for the good. Well maybe this was my wake up call to make a difference in the world. Every "family" photo since Kannan's physical absence feels absent when looking at things empirically but in reality he is present in every photo within each one of us who remember him and the love he shared. Photos embrace the happy as well as the sad. Eyes just automatically search for him but he does not exist physically on the outside . He is within me, driving me every single day.

I feel that change is always good for inner growth but when one has not changed or has become stagnant for a number of years this limits growth I feel. I know I want to fly like a butterfly and sour into space. I am a colourful butterfly and I am soaring into life with my own speed and taking things in my stride. Go me! :-) Life is not always rainbows but without the storms I wouldn’t have the strength I have today. I am grateful for everything in my life and all that I have learnt in this lifetime so far. I am continuing on this journey with greater positivity. Thank you to all those who liked my post and contacting me after my last blog post. It again gives me further strength and support. Thank you:-)

This photo below is of me at the World suicide prevention day that I attended yesterday. I wore the dress Kannan bought me I am still Kannan's big sister and I still stand by him. Thanks for the dress Kannan. I think I can pull it off better now. Ha! Ha!

Reflection of the day: It was so emotional being there at the World suicide prevention day. I met those who had gone through mental health issues themselves, those who had been bereaved by suicide and health professionals who work within mental health. The first speakers spoke and I started to tear.I sat at the front too. I felt brave. I met a few mental health advocates who gave me inspiration to carry on with my life purpose. It was nice to share contact details. Someone thought I was a counselor as I had to state which organisation I was from and then explained I am here because I was bereaved by suicide but I am also an osteopath and a physiotherapist. In the break I started connecting with people and broke down to tears. After the event I had some down time and reflection which was nice. I had never been to an event like this ever. It was amazing to meet so many people passionate about suicide prevention.