Reflecting back 10 years, and thinking about Kannan
So it came to 10 years since Kannan passed away 22nd/23rd July 2020. It feels so surreal. I spoke in a zoom call 23rd July 2020 where there were over 25 attendees. Thank you to all those who came to support me. I have summarised what I spoke about here for those who couldn't make it.
The following are the reflections I had after Kannan took his own life and how I felt and the lessons I learnt. Keep the following questions in mind and the answers will slowly unravel:
How did I find the emotional strength to carry on?
What has my younger brother Kannan done? What is my responsibility in this?
Reflecting back 10 years ago to 23rd July 2010 when we found out the news
We were in utter shock, I remember the screams the cries, and the confusion. What has happened? Is it really true? It cannot be. It’s a lie, no they must have got things mixed up. Kannan’s gone, no it can’t be. I battled with these thoughts and then that evening the rush of 100s of people in the house, and the continuous questions, "What happened and why? Was there a letter?".
There was nothing, we don’t know why Kannan did what he did. My stomach churns as I think of this day and reflecting back. I remember when I went to see his body at the L and D, laying there peacefully. He just looked like he was asleep and I just wished he would wake up. It seems so surreal and it still does to this day. He was my younger brother, not just any brother he seemed so happy and carefree, but something had gone wrong. His life came to a stop
What has this taught me?
It taught me that anything can happen at any moment
To cherish each moment in our lives
To be grateful for our friends and family
To share your love to loved ones because we do not know when it would be too late
I don’t know if Kannan knew how much he meant to us
I can’t remember telling him how special he was
I never thought I’d lose a younger brother. Me first surely, but no, it didn’t happen that way
Sibling grief
There are many things people need to learn about siblings and grief. Sibling grief is often misunderstood by parents, family, and friends. More attention is given to parents or partners, but what about siblings who grew up with Kannan who envisioned a lifetime with a brother. Who is to say one person’s grief is higher than the other persons grief. Grief cannot be quantified nor is there a definitive ending, it’s a process. From the days when we played together to sharing our joys and sorrows together. It’s been difficult, very difficult him not being here physically. I often do not portray this side of myself, hidden behind that usual smile of mine is a story full of depth. I feel my grief is often trumped. I've had to fight my way through my life to this point.
Be strong for your parents some people say, but to an extent parents have more life experience than I did. I was only 23 at the time and Luxmy was 21. We were still kids growing up. This experience was my first challenge in life to that extent. I didn’t even understand what life was about at 23. I probably feel that I am more mature now that I am in my 30s.
Life sails on with no questions asked normally, but once you lose a loved one you question life, its existence, its depth too. Imagine our family being in a boat, and imagine when one steps out, what happens, the boat gets rocky and there is an imbalance. To create balance we all have to shift to fill the gap to some respect. I feel that since Kannan passed away we all have overlapping roles in our family. For example Kannan was the next to graduate being in second year at Sheffield University but he graduated in higher sense and then little did I know I went back to university to complete another degree which I probably wouldn’t have done if he was here.
Who was Kannan?
Kannan was a caring, sensitive, handsome young man I always asked him for advice about my career and life goals. He understood me for who I am. He always looked out for me and Luxmy. I remember the weekend before he passed away I went on a cranial course and he said I looked nice in the white dress I wore and that I should wear dresses more often. I cooked for him and his friends and he came to my room to thank me. He said his friends really liked the pasta. This was also near the time he passed away. I had a haircut too and he said I looked good. He was so caring that if I went out and he noticed I didn’t cream my feet he would tell me to put cream on it.
How did I cope?
This is difficult to talk about. I almost felt like I just couldn’t move on. Even though it was the one thing that broke me down, it was the one thing that built me up. It was an internal battle and still is to some degree but I am in such a better place than I was .The first few years after Kannas passing life was in a heavy fog. I was still growing up. Some in their 20s were carrying on, whereas every hurdle I had in my life had a relationship to Kannan, for example when I studied physio I got very upset driving to practical exams because I used to practice on Kannan when I studied osteopathy. I lived with Kannan, eating together, watching TV, playing/watching football, to going to temple and going on trips. I never felt judged by him, and felt comfortable just being myself
How I felt?
I felt inadequate as an older sister, with him being 4 years younger than me. I always felt I wanted to look after him. I felt quite motherly towards him, in that I used to check on him in his room, I also checked on Luxmy too. I used to get flashbacks to the day of finding out the news. Things are a lot better now.
How did I feel about myself?
I tried to prove myself to myself as I felt I wasn’t a good enough sister
I felt I wasn’t a good enough person too
I wish I could have helped Kannan but he chose not to come to me
I thought I had to help everyone else to make up for it because I felt inadequate.
I didn’t realise that I was punishing myself
I felt insignificant
I felt unworthy
I didn’t realise that the blogs and being open actually helped other people more than I realised
Death is a continuation of love
Who do I give that love to? Can someone replace Kannan? No, no one can replace Kannan. There is only one Kannan Navaratnam. He is my brother and will always be. I know he is still here protecting me in a higher sense
How do we manage bereavement?
I think this varies for each of us. Sometimes it’s a journey full of mixed feelings too and I guess that is part of the process. At moments we may feel like we want to cry and let out emotions out or we block our emotions. Sometimes we are unaware that we block our emotions as there is a cultural/social expectation, almost as if we have to live up to the image of being strong. That’s probably what I do on a day to day basis. But I feel it important to set time to reflect on those feelings so that emotions are worked through, rather than ignored to be healthy mentally and physically. If we ignore our emotions, it comes out when we least expect it. This has happened to me.
Some say, “Come on, move one” which is not always easy to digest. Later it bottles up and this can be unhealthy. It is important to find strategies and coping mechanisms but that is individual to each person. I have information on management, and happy to pass it to you should you require it. Message me!
Before Kannan passed away. I was a young girl with no cares of life who was just chasing life. After Kannan passed away I feel I became someone who was looking more for the meaning of life, and trying to make meaningful connections. I also feel that my spiritual beliefs were re-examined. I probably took more of a practical approach to spirituality in some ways.
What are the life lessons I learnt?
I became more of an empathetic person – being able to understand what other people are going through. Going through pain or loss makes one more mature, I feel I had to take on more responsibility as I was the older sister, and acted like a protector to Kannan and rest of family too (not easy at 23). I feel grateful to have known Kannan in person even if it was for 19 years physically but he still remains part of my journey of life till the day of my last breath. The loss of Kannan in particular taught me how to be more resilient. That resilience I could transfer into other areas of my life such as studies/work.
Life goes on, it doesn’t end but it almost felt like it did for me. I feel the bereavement gave me strength like no other. Kannan has taught me a lot about life that I would not have learnt otherwise. He has made me think about being true to who I really I am. He has taught me to stick to my values. He is constantly teaching me with little messages. I get it! I think to myself but it’s hard to put into words. Kannan has taught me that to live life we have the power to create the life we wish for. In essence I wish that we live in a world that is more connected than disconnected. Life has meaning and purpose. Our get togethers, when we meet should go passed the, hey how are you? How's your work/home life going? To asking are you happy with the life you are living? And if not, what can you change to make your life happier?
My future
I feel that I want to create a world where there is less stigma to talk about mental health. I also hope that we touch base with our friends and family with more meaningful interactions. I hope that if someone was in Kannan's shoes just before he took that decision that, they think twice, and know that I am here. And that they have supportive friends and family and not to forget that. No one needs to go down that path, but I understand Kannan and I accept what he did and I guess life goes on…
The jokes
Remembering the days when Kanna sprayed lynx in his room to stop me spying on what he was up to. Yes I am a bit motherly:-) I remember the times when Luxmy would ask Kannan for advice on her fashion sense and usually dismiss mine as he dressed more to the times than I did :-)
I remember when I used treat him and each time I learnt a new technique, he'll ask, "What's that called?" remember it and say can I have the rolling one, for example. And then if I didn’t he’d complain to Amma and somehow I would give in and treat him of course. He would say, "Aranee is so Osteopathic" to tease me too. I would often treat him and he'd fall asleep and Ill tuck him in bed after. I used to also make him his favourite foods, and I recall hiding veggies juiced in his favourite dhal/parapoo dish. I would wait until he finished eating and list all these veggies he had and then he would look at me and smile. I also remember the time when I used to always make biryanis and I got a giant extra virgin olive bottle for Christmas from Luxmy and Kannan which I thought was so funny.
Oh yes, I almost forget, and the competitive hugs between me and Amma with Kannan. Kannan would hug Amma tight and Amma would be smiling happily and then if I try to join the group hug Kannan would lovingly push me away to tease me but then eventually let us have a group hug together:-)
I thought I would finish on the good memories. Thank you to everyone who continues to support me on this journey of life. You all mean so much to me and thank you to all those who attended the zoom call on Thursday.