"Feet feel stuck, like I am stuck in the mud"

It has been a long while since I’ve written a blog. This maybe because I just needed some time to reflect and I was processing a lot.

I guess the biggest internal battle I faced recently was losing 2 uncles in a space of 4 months. I found this incredibly hard. The last time I spoke publicly was about grief too. Grief comes in waves, you have the good days and the bad. Sometimes we just have to ride the waves we are given. This can be extremely challenging but with determination we can do this. I almost felt like I fell into a black hole recently but I managed to get myself up again. I guess I managed to recognise this and do the things necessary to help myself.

Life can be challenging sometimes, and as I reflected I thought about my Dad’s journey. I had never really thought about it, but then there were things I understood which I hadn’t in the past as I had failed to see things from his perspective. My Dad lost his father when he was just 16 years old when my Grandad was in his 40s and at that time my Grandmother became a widow at 39. I did not know some of this information till recently. Later she raised my dad and his 4 brothers. I guess my father’s driving force stemmed from what happened in childhood maybe. He doesn’t talk much about it. I only just reflected on this recently with the recent bereavements. It must have been so tough. He has a lot of resilience, having had lost his father at 16. ;later losing his 19 year old son when he was 56 years old and recently losing his younger brother Nadan Chithappa who was 7 years younger than him and aged 60. Who would ever think they would lose a younger brother, let alone a son and father all so young?

Furthermore the loss of Anandan uncle who was a close cousin of Appa. Looking through my old pics I found pics with Anandan uncle from when I was a baby. I was a toddler who was nearly 1 on Anandan uncle and Bhavani aunty’s wedding day.

When one goes through grief, it almost feels like life stops. You feel a bit stuck, not sure how to get out, like you’re stuck in the mud. Your feet feel stuck, and it’s hard to move forwards. Things slow down, but it is completely ok because no matter how slow we go, forwards is forwards even if it is with baby steps.

I had to recently have top up cranial osteopathy sessions and had a counselling session too to try and help me process all these emotions. Furthermore all those who passed wanted me to succeed and believed in me. I remember having a conversation with Nadan Chithappa and he said maybe look at starting your practice after the coronavirus. He was joking with me also about how someone should start a Sambal Express in Luton and how it would do really well. Later and more recently there is a new shop that has opened in our town with Tamil food. Furthermore Anandan uncle often said that I could achieve anything if I put my mind to it. He said this more than once to me and often encouraged me.

I would often also discuss my plans with my brother Kannan too. He listened so attentively and always tried to help me. He believed in me. The plans I made are slowly manifesting. In the process of it all it has been incredibly emotional, with sudden outbursts but it is expected. I went and sat in the room where I used to treat patients and thought I got to do this again, and feeling the emotions, of knowing Kannan was in his room pottering around when I saw patients the week before he passed away. I could hear him above me, and now knowing that I may go back there and the feeling of him being above me in a higher sense, and with me in spirit guiding me all the way. He was one of a kind. I have written him letters, he knows what is happening with my journey and my idea. When those who pep you along the way and encourage you in ways, step out sometimes it feels like my heart has a deep sense of emptiness. However, the truth is it is full with their memories ever cherished.

It has been an arduous journey and there is no doubt about it but without the hard times I would not have developed the strength I have now. The pain further increases my resilience and drive to never give up. My journey maybe slower but with a sense of power and passion. I can do this and I am being guided along the way. It may be slow, but I will keep taking one step forward and if now and then I need to pause and even though I may feel the need to run and it feels I’m moving at a snail’s pace its ok because I am doing things in my own time and when things feel right for me. Healing takes time, but the best things in life take patience and perseverance.

I hope you are all doing well during these strange times and have the strength to carry on forwards no matter what challenges life throws at you.