How does one face the challenges of grief in this modern day?

Grief is an ongoing process and there is no definitive end. They say that with trauma it can be lifelong too. I recently started attending a support group run by those bereaved by suicide. It has been great because I feel like I am not alone. This was run by the charity SOBS (survivors of those bereaved by suicide). They also have their own helpline which is also run by volunteers who have been bereaved by suicide. It has been very useful, as it made me feel like there are others with similar experiences to myself. I have met some who have been bereaved a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years ago. It has made me process unprocessed emotions. It also helped me during a very difficult period.

Another charity that helped me is Suicide and co which is run by counsellors and is a specific counselling service for those bereaved by suicide (6 months post bereavement). This is also a fantastic service as there are some great counsellors who have been trained in grief counselling. Sometimes in the past it has been hard to talk to someone who truly understands what I have been through.

More recently I have also had somatic experiencing sessions. This has been phenomenal and helped with reducing the overwhelm I was experiencing. I think attending group sessions, in combination with individual specific grief counselling, with somatic experiencing which helps with looking at the mind and body and art therapy has been so transformational. I have worked so hard over the last few months and have made so much progress both physically and mentally. I have overcome certain barriers I had not done for years. It takes effort but it is worth it. It has been painful but it’s so important to feel and go through it for my healing. It has helped with me finding myself. I think it is so important that we go through the pain rather than avoiding it. A lot of us maybe thinking we are facing it, but we are not. I had this realisation recently as I thought I had been helping myself but realised I had to do so much more to help myself.

Grief is something we may hold onto for the rest of our lives. Why is this? Grief is the love we have for another who passed. That love even though a human attachment has also a spiritual element. It is through the deep meaningful connection and the deep loss where we find answers to certain questions which we may not have known before. We all deal with it differently too. In this way our journeys are varied; this can be the case even amongst immediate family members. Recently it came to light that those who had been affected by the loss of my brother Kannan did not know how to support us because they too were struggling with their own grief around it.

We had a lot of support and still do but it isn’t always easy to reach out for help to family or friends. I think it is easier and wiser to get external support in place. However, when one grieves such a hard sudden loss, it is hard for those closest to know how to support one another. I think it is even harder when we are children growing up, trying to understand the world and its challenges. It was and still is a massive challenge. However, what happened kind of woke me up from within. It kind of brought about a type of transformation. It made me question life on every aspect, from the way I lived and the choices I made in my life. I tried to become a better person too. I now live the way I want to, doing the things that mean the most to me. I try not to let others’ expectations of myself to affect me. It isn’t always easy though especially with the social pressures of society. I have to remind myself again and again that life is too short and that I need to be happy right now, being me and doing my thing the way I want to. I am Aranee and proud of the person I am and becoming. I am doing all can to be who I want to be and to express myself openly.

Kannan took his own life. This is hard to comprehend and understand. However, this is happening and needs to be talked about. Recently within Luton we heard of another family friend who had lost a family member to suicide. This really hit my sister Luxmy and me. Why is this happening? What can we do to help this? We may not know how to prevent suicide. However, I know what I can do is tell people how it made me feel. Did you know that there are about 6500 deaths by suicide each year? Do you know how many people are bereaved by suicide each year? It is in the region of 34, 146. That is a massive number. If those people were able to open up about how it made them feel, I feel it may help prevent suicide or at least make someone think twice about it.

One of the realisations we had on Friday in our zoom session was that even amongst us all we struggle to talk about it even though it happened 12 years ago. This evidences that some things in life will always be difficult to talk about, no matter how much time has passed. This just goes to show the difficulty in opening and talking about it because of the various barriers within our own minds that we set. It is super challenging. We need to however overcome this and be able to talk about these difficult things and break down these man-made barriers. If we can’t talk about it, how can we help the next generation?

How do we break these generational patterns too? Why is it that men find it difficult to talk about how they feel compared to women too? What have we created in this world that prevents men opening up or I guess anyone opening up? Is there a problem in our society where we need to make ourselves look successful beyond measure with perfection? What is perfection? Isn’t it a fake reality? We all have flaws but may always elaborate our so called “perfection”? We may not publicise our failures but maybe we should do to help those who feel imperfect feel brave enough to stay alive. We need to increase the courage of those who struggle who may be suicidal, to live and stay alive. I am not saying that in every instance this will be the same. I just strongly feel this way and am not certain if this is the answer necessarily. However, when I attended the support group there was a theme around perfection or not meeting expectations. I don’t know why one would suicide, sometimes there may not be a reason. I hope to think that there may be solutions that could possibly help them stay alive and overcome whatever it is that maybe taking them to that point.

In the meeting on zoom we had invited some family and friends on Friday. Those present were all females this time. It could have been a coincidence. I guess this is evidence that males may have an issue with talking about such topics. Isn’t it important that we try to change this across cultures? We don’t want the younger generations to follow this pattern. Surely that should mean that they need to set an example because only then can the younger boys follow an example. That it is ok to talk, it is ok to open up and that there is strength in showing our vulnerability. We need to be careful how we present ourselves in society because children copy. The “macho” appearance is a common image amongst males but that is not necessarily one of true bravery. The true brave one is the one who shows their vulnerability to help others.

In this way I feel in Kannan’s memory we could do more to help others and create more awareness. Please do me a favour and share this post as wide as you can because I want to help break these stigmas so we can try and increase understanding especially in our community. Maybe this was my purpose from being bereaved by suicide. I would be so happy if I could help someone else by sharing my experience. Its ok to ask for help too when you need it and to seek it and lots of it. The help is there to be taken and used.

I think it is important to show our vulnerability, to show that its ok to fail and be proud of it. It is not the end of the world. Sadness, failure, and pain is part of life. It isn’t always easy though in the competitive and the cultural society we live in. I think the important part is that it is not the end of the world. We must take things as best we can in our stride and carry on. I am not saying I am perfect. I am imperfect. I struggle too. I struggle with grief and have had other challenges too, but it is ok. I keep trying and I will not give up. I guess the most important thing is not the external success but the internal success of our inner happiness within. If you can be happy whilst facing whatever challenges, we face in life isn’t that so brave. So, let’s smile and carry on and maybe we can make another smile on our journey too and let’s see if this spreads across the world. Don’t ignore your struggles. Get help when you need. There is no shame in getting help. Sending you lots of love and thank you for reading!

Kannan, Luxmy and Aranee