Kannan was the life and soul of our family and since he passed away it has never been the same

Happiness itself has a completely different meaning. It is not that free spirited happiness as before but one that is merged with a deep sense of sadness. It is incredibly hard to let go of. It can be challenging at times too. A family photo is not the same too, eyes wonder and search for Kannan naturally. Where have you gone Kanna? I remember when it was my second graduation, it was emotional but it helped to have support from my nephew and one of my best friends Heather who came for extra moral support. I am so grateful. Kannan was physically present at my first graduation and also at the centre of the photo which I think was our last actual family photo together that was taken professionally. I guess since then family photos are not the same, when people say family photos its like ok yes, here we go. What does family mean? Family to me means a network of support. It is those who I grew up with, whom I am close to and who looks out for me in times of need. I felt that after Kannan passed away it changed the dynamics of the family as we had to move in a slightly different arrangement, maybe think of it as we lost the most beautiful flower amongst the bouquet and we have to move to make ourselves merge and look like a family again which is not quite the same. It is like we are in a different arrangement but the missing flower is so obvious especially when we have special events like birthdays.

In particular more recently I felt the loss of Kannan at Nirmalan's wedding. There were less boys from Luton present of a similar age except Garry. My eyes just kept looking for Kannan. Where are you Kannan? My brain was searching. Nirmalan was one of Kannan's friends who was about 5 minutes walk from us. I was in tears on the way back home in the car; this had not happened in a while. I remember the days when we used to have harmonium and tabla class and the fun after class, whether it was playing on the playstation or playing football in front our house. Those were the good old days. I always wonder if that kind of happiness could ever return but I am not sure it can. The laughter from those days and the jokes Kannan made were always so funny. He had this energy about him magnetic in nature that all hearts could draw towards. He made me happy even if at times it was annoying, at least I could sense his playful spirit and physical presence. He was always pulling my leg and being so cheeky especially with Lux and I. He always wanted to make us smile. I do miss him being around. How long has it been? It is coming to 12 years this year in July. I just can't believe it. It doesn't seem like that long ago though. I remember sitting next to Garry at both Gaayini and Nirmalan's wedding functions. We were allocated to sit next to each other. I told Garry , you do realise that If Kannan was here you would be seated next to him , not me. he smiled and said, "That's so true".

Recently having to support an aunty and friends with their grief it has been challenging. I feel things a lot and it doesn't help being an empath. Sometimes I can't sense my own feelings from that of another and I think its mine but it might not be. This makes it hard sometimes to create boundaries. I am getting better at it but it doesn't mean it gets any easier. I really struggle sometimes. Some think I am some kind of grief expert because of being bereaved by suicide but I am definitely not. I am learning every single day how to get passed the grief of the loss of Kannan. Things catch you in life when you least expect it too.

I am sensitive when it comes to talking about suicide especially near Kannan's birthday or his anniversary. I find it hard when I am approached to talk about this too. I need to sometimes get help and support myself to help deal with it due to my history of having bereaved by suicide. I struggle with grief in general too as it brings up memories of the loss of Kannan. When I hear the words suicide or someone feeling suicidal I also have a different reaction to most where I feel I need to do something now to help, it doesn't matter whether that is at work or in my own circle of friends or family. People think I have the answer because I have been bereaved by suicide so I should know how to help stop suicide, but no I don't know how to help someone going through this. I have learnt that ultimately if one has these thoughts they have to get the help they need professionally. This is not always easy for some to seek though or to advise on. I think that getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness anyhow and it takes courage.

I have recently thought more about Kannan and in particular yesterday thought about why he actually did what he did. I have no idea. He didn't tell me he was feeling suicidal. Life would be so much better if he was still around. Kannan was the life and the soul of my life; he was my little brother. He was so special to me and still is. I miss him so much. I would do anything if I could click my fingers bring him back and give him a massive hug.He was everything to me. I remember the days when I used to carry him on my back and run around the house. There was 4 years between us, until he grew taller than me and then started lifting me up and rugby tackling me to the ground in a fun way . It was like a game and he would be chasing me around the tables in the kitchen with giggles of laughter until he got me. I remember us fighting for our favourite spot on the sofa, not really a fight but more like race for who got there first. We had the same taste in food too. I would often reminisce when trying something new that I am sure that Kannan would have liked this. I wonder If he was still here maybe he’d be a vegan too and part of our vegan cousins crew:-) I love him so much. It still affects me today, the loss and grief. Talking and writing about it really helps me though.

I just can't believe that Kannan is gone, just like that. I just can’t believe it. He was the most magical person I knew. He would never hurt me and was always so protective of me. I really miss him. Whenever I have a patient I recall Kannan especially if they have a football or rugby related injury as Kannan always came to me for help after injuries. Kannan liked my treatments and encouraged me to attain my goals. Every time I learnt something new he was fascinated and wanted to know more.

I’m not a grief expert nor am I an expert with psychological therapy but many think I am because of the loss I have endured. I keep thinking though that maybe I will study it one day. I think to myself when I’m ready I will do it. I guess I will be off to university again at some point then. I love studying. I have my eye on another degree but we will see:-)

The sweetness of Kannan and Harrish's hearts can be so similar, for example Amma would often hug Kannan on one side and me on the other and Kannan would playfully push me away and then Harrish does something similar with his Ammamma and me. It is very sweet. It makes me smile from the inside. I guess children have a way of stealing our hearts with their sweetness too. That is what I find when I spend time with my nephew Harrish and niece Karmarkshi. It helps open up a part of my heart that loves to play and be child like in spirit.

Hope you all have a lovely bank holiday weekend. I just thought to write again as it had been a little while and I had some time to think and thought let me express myself again. This photo below is a snapshot of a video from about 14 years ago, standing next to Kannan:-)

S