The Storm inside that pass

Thoughts swirling around in this mind of ours can be our worst enemy. Why do we put ourselves down so hard? We may lift others up but when it comes to talking to ourselves why are we so hard? Sometimes life can be overwhelming when there are feelings of happiness intertwined with sadness. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to Kannan to just tell him where I am in my life and want to talk to him like old times. He was one of my motivators and believed in me. Things can get just too much to handle sometimes. Its important to just stop and breathe and take things one step at a time. Sometimes its best to just pause and do nothing and create space to feel things because if we don't it catches up with us. This is easier said than done. I haven't written for a while but just thought to share some of the lessons I learnt over the last few months.

Grief comes in waves they say and it is true. I think I am better and over things but that's when I get a surprise around the corner. Im sensitive when it comes to talking about grief and suicide. Some automatically think I am some kind of expert but I am learning constantly . I am not an expert and only human. In what happened when we lost Kannan it was unexpected and there is nothing we could have done differently that would have prepared us for the great loss so suddenly. Kannan was one of a kind. He was a special brother to me. It was extremely difficult and still is. I don't think I would have coped much as I did if I was not exposed to Swami, Sathya Sai Baba's teachings. Balavikas helped give us a kind of strength we didn't know we had. Chanting God's name and bhajan and prayer gave a sense of stillness which really helped. However sometimes being human these feelings catch up. It so important to allocate time to grieve. It helps one move on and carry on with life. It is not something that will diminish and vanish till the day I die.

I really struggled on Kannan's last birthday. He would of turned 31 when Karmarkshi our niece turned 2. It was her birthday and we had so much fun with the fancy dress party. I had forgotten to give myself time to grieve and later in the week it caught up with me. There was then a realisation that I have to do more to help myself cope and carry on. I have to give myself time to feel those unpleasant feelings to know that I am in control so that it doesn't prop up when unexpected. However I am human and it is only natural that this may occur. I shouldn't be so hard on myself when this happens I guess. I am trying and it is getting better in some ways. I still miss Kannan lots though.

Recently we celebrated the KUKU cup ( a football match in memory of Kannan) on my birthday . It was the first big party I had since his passing . It was an emotional day. The last big party I had was when Kannan was there for my 21st birthday. I thought I was ok but I wasn't . I just wished Kannan was there. I really miss him. It is in times of celebration that we feel the loss even more so. I just wished he was here. I felt the gap more so since seeing Harrish and Karmarkshi and thinking about what a wonderful uncle he would have been. Sometimes I feel I crossover roles and have to be uncle too at times or share the love from him too which naturally emerges. I play football with Harrish regularly. Sometimes Harrish would ask deep questions about Kannan mama too and feel a sadness too. Sometimes we ponder of what would have been. Kannan loved children. He could make a fun quick bond with them and he would be very playful. He naturally had a love that resonated with all those he got to know.

Kannan would never say anything bad about anyone and if one ill mouthed another he would always support the other person saying we don't know what they are going through. Kannan taught me a lot about life and is still teaching me so much. I am constantly learning. Each day there are new lessons to be learnt. I want to be a better person and am trying my best. There are so many new ventures ahead which I am so excited about. I am grateful to all those who have helped me get to where I am today. Onwards and upwards towards further growth and learning. I am so grateful to those who have taught me about myself and helped me believe in myself. Thank you everyone! Below is a photo of me in my happy place with my favourite tree. I call it the magic tree. Hope you are all having a lovely weekend!